You did the wrong thing – you had a few drinks, and then decided to drive home despite being too drunk to do so safely. And now a police officer has stopped you for DUI.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?” You say it slowly and deliberately, with a smile. You make sure your eyes are wide open, because maybe – just maybe – if you look really sober, the officer will wave you on and you’ll get off without a DUI.

Forget it. You’re so busted.

Police don’t need a breath test to spot drunkenness. Cops can tell DUI behavior a mile away. Here’s what you’re going to do that will blow everything before you blow into the breathalyzer:

• You pull over your car and overshoot the shoulder, hitting the grass
• You’ll try to roll the window down and will press the “up” button by mistake.
• You’ll try to turn off your engine and take out the key but you won’t be in Park and the key won’t come out
• You’ll try to step out of the car and find you forgot to unlock your car
• You’ll try to step out of the car and find you forgot to unfasten your seat belt
• You’ll step out of the car and your license and registration, which were on your lap, will fall onto the ground
• You’ll stay silent, and then worry that you’re being too silent and will start to say dumb things like, “Lovely night, isn’t it, officer?”

And don’t forget, whatever you did to attract the officer’s attention, whether it was speeding, weaving, or failing to go when the light turns green – all indicators of a possible DUI – is already working against you.

So if you’re stopped under suspicion of DUI, and you’re really impaired, you won’t get out of it by being smart or creative. The time to be creative is before you get in the car. That’s when you need to dig up a ride, or take a taxi, or figure out another way to avoid driving drunk.

If you’re telling the officer what a lovely night it is, you’re too late. Cops can tell DUI behavior a mile away.